A parrot walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick. The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The parrot says, "Just put it on my bill!"
MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida ...
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama
GOT ANY GRAPES?
One day a parrot walked up to the counter inside a convenience store. The parrot said to the clerk "Got any grapes?"
"No" replied the store clerk. The parrot smiled and walked out the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked "Got any grapes?" The clerk replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, i don't have any grapes!"
The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yelled "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any and we're not going to have any! If you come back in here again, i'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The parrot smiled and walked out the door. Later that day the parrot returned and asked "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!". The parrot replied "Good. Got any grapes?"
GOLFING PARROT
A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.
"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.
"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.
The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.
"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.
"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in
particular.
"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.
GUARD PARROT
A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Chirpes: A canarial disease...no tweetment.
MAMA'S GIFTS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.
"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you
for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
POLITICAL PARROT
Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot.
He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."
GOING, GOING, GONE!
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
BRUTUS
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He
couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
COURTEOUS PARROT
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet
store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the
lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the
window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked
now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are
really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store
and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it
again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird,
strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me
free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots
and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest
piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the
piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!
SPEEDING DRUNK
A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be
called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
GOOD CANARY SINGER
A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a
canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good
singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen
feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and
the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated
to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a
canary, but it's got to be a singer."
By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the
ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the
counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he
is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"
The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"
PET
SHOP PARROTS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well,
the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot,
to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer
asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question,
"What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
THE AIRLINES
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her
politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the
guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use
the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're
falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".
EXPENSIVE PARROTS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical
looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can
it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".
SPIRITUAL
(?) PARROT
A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register.
A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally
sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John
the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"
FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean
he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up
the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away
his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S
IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it
ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
PARROT TRIVIA: VAMPIRE FINCHES: Also known as Darwin's Finches, these unusual small birds make their home on Wolf Island in the Galapagos. Their unusual behaviour of sucking blood from the Boobies seabirds is a source of food for them during the drought periods. It does no
harm to the boobies. Read more about them at Islands of the Vampire Birds.
